CONTENTS
Funny Quotes About Life
1. "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know which one you're going to get - sweet, bitter, or a weird flavor you've never tasted before." - Unknown
2. "Life is short, but it's long enough to laugh 'til you cry." - Stephen Bishop
3. "Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all." - Helen Keller
4. "Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." - Charles R. Swindoll
5. "Life is too short to be serious all the time. Sometimes you just have to relax and have some fun." - Unknown
6. "Life is a journey, and if you fall in love with the journey, you will be in love forever." - Peter Hagerty
7. "Life is a roller coaster ride, and sometimes you just have to scream." - Unknown
8. "Life is a party. Dress for it." - Unknown
9. "Life is a puzzle, and sometimes you just have to step back and look at the big picture." - Unknown
10. "Life is a gift, and it's up to us to make the most of it." - Unknown
11. "Life is like a box of crayons. Some are used, some are left untouched. So go ahead, break the rules, and color outside the lines." - Unknown
12. "Life is too short to wear boring socks." - Unknown
13. "Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving." - Albert Einstein
14. "Life is like a game of chess, and every move you make could change the outcome." - Unknown
15. "Life is too short to waste your time on people who don't respect, appreciate, and value you." - Roy T. Bennett
16. "Life is like a book, and every chapter teaches us something new." - Unknown
17. "Life is like a wild ride, and sometimes you just have to hold on tight and enjoy the journey." - Unknown
18. "Life is too short to be unhappy, so surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you." - Roy T. Bennett
19. "Life is like a puzzle, but sometimes the pieces don't fit together perfectly. That's okay; it's still beautiful in its own way." - Unknown
20. "Life is like a box of surprises, and sometimes the best surprises are the ones we never saw coming." - Unknown
Funny Quotes for Friends
21. "A true friend is someone who overorders just so you can split the check." - Unknown
22. "Friendship isn't about who you've known the longest, it's about who walked in to your life, said 'I'm here for you' and proved it." - Unknown
23. "Friendship is like a plant-mostly forgotten, with the passage of time, until the day it is accidentally knocked over by a draft-and it makes a mess." - Ted Hughes
24. "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one." - C.S. Lewis
25. "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." - Unknown
26. "Friendship is like a glass of wine, you savor it as long as you can, but the memories linger long after the last sip." - Unknown
27. "Friendship isn't about being inseparable. It's being separated and knowing that when you reunite, nothing has changed." - Unknown
28. "Friendship is the golden thread that ties the heart of all the world." - John Evelyn
29. "Friendship is like a well-cooked meal; it tastes better when it's shared." - Unknown
30. "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." - Walter Winchell
31. "Friendship isn't about who you've known the longest, it's about who walked in to your life, said 'I'm here for you' and proved it." - Unknown
32. "Friendship is like a plant-mostly forgotten, with the passage of time, until the day it is accidentally knocked over by a draft-and it makes a mess." - Ted Hughes
33. "Friendship is not about how many friends you have, but about how many friends you are." - Unknown
34. "Friendship isn't about who comes to see you when you are sick, but who will be sick because you are sick." - Unknown
35. "Friendship isn't about who you have known the longest, it's about who walked in to your life, said 'I'm here for you' and proved it." - Unknown
36. "Friendship is like a bonfire; once it is lit, the flames easily consume anything that feeds on negativity or hatred." - Unknown
37. "Friendship isn't about how many friends you have, but about how many friends you are." - Unknown
38. "A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." - Bernard Meltzer
39. "Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest, it's about whom you can not live without for even a single day." - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
40. "A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you." - Elbert Hubbard
Funny Quotes About Marriage
41. "Marriage is like a game of poker. You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run like hell." - Jim Bouton
42. "Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?" - Groucho Marx
43. "Marriage is not a word; it's a sentence." - Michael Barry
44. "Marriage is the number one problem in marriage." - Unknown
45. "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution." - Mae West
46. "Marriage is the most expensive way for the average man to get laundry done." - Unknown
47. "Marriage is like a cake. You have to crumble it sometimes to see what's inside." - Unknown
48. "Marriage is a journey that you're constantly aware you've taken." - Ellen DeGeneres
49. "Marriage is a mosaic you build day by day. The bigger the piece, the smaller the choices." - Unknown
50. "Marriage is not just spiritually and emotionally essential to the human experience; it is also the world's most popular form of courtship, dating, and live-in togetherness arrangement." - Barbara Dafoe Whitehead
51. "Marriage is a lot of work, but it's worth it because at the end of your life you'll have a best friend." - Unknown
52. "Marriage is like learning to play a musical instrument: it makes a lot of noise at first, but after a while, you can play beautiful music." - Unknown
53. "Marriage is not about finding 'the one'; it's about finding someone you can be 'the one' with." - Mariangela Melato
54. "Marriage is like a garden; you have to weed it every day." - Unknown
55. "Marriage is like riding a bicycle; you don't fall off until you come to a stop." - Unknown
56. "Marriage is like living in an instant replay center—everything is recorded, and nothing can be forgotten or overlooked." - Bill Cosby
57. "Marriage is not about being in love with someone; it's about wanting to be with someone for the rest of your life." - Unknown
58. "Marriage is like having your heart outside of your body where everyone can see it." - Terri Guillemets
59. "Marriage is like two people being in love and growing together every day, except they also have disagreements and arguments and sometimes want to kill each other." - Unknown
60. "Marriage is like trying to solve a 3D jigsaw puzzle with another person—constantly working together and communicating effectively to make progress towards a shared goal." - Unknown
Funny Quotes About Work
61. "Work is the curse of the drinking classes." - Oscar Wilde
62. "I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode." - Unknown
63. "I'd rather be overdressed than underdressed. And I'd rather be underpaid than overpaid, as long as I'm not paid at all." - Katharine Hepburn
64. "The difference between a job and a career is the difference between forty and sixty hours a week." - Robert Frost
65. "I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott
66. "The only way to do great work is to love what you do." - Steve Jobs
67. "I'm not afraid of hard work, in fact I like it, it's the 'other' stuff I can't stand." - Unknown
68. "The best way to get something done is to begin." - Unknown
69. "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Edison
70. "Work is the refuge of people who don't have real friends." - Rita Mae Brown
71. "If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. They'll just keep on going." - Unknown
72. "I am a pencil in the hand of God." - Mother Teresa
73. "The only thing worse than training your staff and losing them is not training them and keeping them." - Zig Ziglar
74. "I love my job! It provides me with a monthly paycheck that I can cash right after tax day!" - Gallagher
75. "I have a wonderful make-believe job. It's called writer." - E.B. White
76. "The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary." - Vidal Sassoon
77. "If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things." - Albert Einstein
78. "I'm not lazy, I'm just waiting for inspiration to come find me." - Unknown
79. "If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission." - Unknown
80. "Work is more fun than fun." - Noël Coward
Funny Quotes About Again
81. "I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths." - Steven Wright
82. "I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode." - Unknown
83. "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." - Unknown
84. "I'm not arguing, I'm explaining why I'm right." - Unknown
85. "I'm not arguing, I'm simply explaining why the other fellow is wrong." - Herbert Bayard Swope
86. "I'm not perfect, but I am pretty good at faking it." - Unknown
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87. "I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious." - Michael Scott (The Office)
88. "I'm not lazy, I'm just waiting for my muse to come back from the beach." - Unknown
89. "I'm not arguing, I'm just saying that you're wrong." - Unknown
90. "I'm not arguing, I'm simply explaining why the other fellow is wrong." - Herbert Bayard Swope
91. "I'm not arguing, I'm just trying to explain why you're wrong." - Unknown
92. "I'm not arguing, I'm just trying to win the argument." - Unknown
93. "I'm not arguing, I'm simply saying that you are wrong." - Unknown
94. "I'm not lazy, my body just isn't capable of human speech." - Unknown
95. "I'm not lazy, my body just isn't capable of human movement." - Unknown
96. "I'm not lazy, my body just isn't capable of human thought." - Unknown
97. "I'm not lazy, my body just isn't capable of human feeling." - Unknown
98. "I'm not lazy, my body just isn't capable of human life." - Unknown
99. "I'm not lazy, my body just isn't capable of human consciousness." - Unknown
100. "I used to have a handle on life, but then everything happened at once." - Alice (Alice in Wonderland)
Funny Quotes About Family
101. "Family is like a box of chocolates. You never know which one is going to make you laugh, cry, or want to trade for a Snickers." - Unknown
102. "Family: a place where the door is always open, but the cat always jumps in your lap." - Comic strip author, Bill Tammeus
103. "Family is not an important thing. It's everything." - Michael Novak
104. "Family: a little chaos surrounded by more chaos." - Unknown
105. "Family: where the heart is...and the crazy people live." - Unknown
106. "Family: where you love them, but need a break sometimes." - Unknown
107. "Family: where 'going to bed' means 'going to bed after dinner, movie, and conversation.'" - George Carlin
108. "Family: where you can be yourself...and nobody else is allowed to be themselves." - Doug Coupland
109. "Family: where you can rely on loved ones to annoy you right before bed." - Unknown
110. "Family: where you can be yourself...and they'll still love you." - Unknown
111. "Family: where 'I love you' means 'I know everything about you.'" - Unknown
112. "Family: where 'let's watch a movie' means 'let's spend two hours deciding what to watch.'" - Unknown
113. "Family: where everyone argues about what to eat...and then argues about who has to cook it." - Unknown
114. "Family: where everyone has a nickname...and no one knows why." - Unknown
115. "Family: where everyone has a story...and no one wants to hear it." - Unknown
116. "Family: where everyone has a favorite...and no one else cares." - Unknown
117. "Family: where everyone has their own opinion...and no one cares about yours." - Unknown
118. "Family: where everyone has their own schedule...and no one can keep up." - Unknown
119. "Family: where everyone has their own idea of what's funny...and no one thinks your jokes are funny." - Unknown
120. "Family: where everyone has their own idea of what's clean...and no one thinks your house is clean." - Unknown
Funny Quotes About Nature
121. "In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they're still beautiful." - Alice Walker
122. "The earth has music for those who listen." - William Shakespeare
123. "The flowers you plant today, will become the flowers you pick tomorrow." - Chinese Proverb
124. "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." - Lao Tzu
125. "The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now." - Chinese Proverb
126. "Nature does not work according to our timetables, no matter how much we want her to." - Terry Tempest Williams
127. "Nature is painting for us, day after day, pictures of unspeakable beauty." - John Ruskin
128. "Nature's beauty is never-ending, and we're so lucky to be alive to witness it." - Unknown
129. "Nature is not a place to visit. It's home." - Gary Snyder
130. "The earth has music for those who listen." - William Shakespeare (again)
131. "Nature is full of genius, full of the divinity; so that, all in all, I do not see an atom's breadth of matter in the universe, want a mind like ours to make it intelligible." - Charles Darwin
132. "Nature does nothing uselessly." - Aristotle
133. "In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks." - John Muir
134. "The flowers are a proud and boisterous people; they are in relationship to the meadow and the hillside like a nation to its country." - John Muir (again)
135. "Nature has a way of reminding us that we're just visitors here." - Unknown
136. "Nature is the art of God." - Dante Alighieri
137. "Nature is my religion and devotion to her is my dharma." - Unknown
138. "The earth has its music for those who listen." - William Shakespeare (yet again)
139. "Nature is always lovely, hauntingly lovely, whether you are walking with two hands around each other or alone in a field seeing it all." - Willa Cather
140. "Nature doesn't hurry, yet everything is accomplished." - Lao Tzu (again)
Funny Quotes From Movies
141. "I'm king of the world!" - Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio), Titanic
142. "I'm not a regular mom, I'm a cool mom." - Carol Franzen (Tina Fey), Mean Girls
143. "I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse." - Don Corleone (Marlon Brando), The Godfather
144. "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." - Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks), Forrest Gump
145. "I'll be back." - The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger), The Terminator
146. "Here's looking at you, kid." - Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart), Casablanca
147. "You can't handle the truth!" - Colonel Nathan R. Jessup (Jack Nicholson), A Few Good Men
148. "You complete me." - Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise), Jerry Maguire
149. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." - Rhett Butler (Clark Gable), Gone with the Wind
150. "I feel the need... The need for speed!" - Maverick (Tom Cruise), Top Gun
151. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning." - Colonel William T. Sherman (Marlon Brando), Apocalypse Now
152. "You talkin' to me?" - Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro), Taxi Driver
153. "I am your father." - Darth Vader (James Earl Jones), Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back
154. "I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths." - Jerry Stiller, The King of Comedy
155. "You had me at 'hello.'" - Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise), Jerry Maguire
156. "Houston, we have a problem." - Jim Lovell (Tom Hanks), Apollo 13
157. "You know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together and blow." - Josephine the Singer (Marilyn Monroe), Some Like It Hot
158. "Life is short, break the rules. Forgive quickly, kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that makes you smile." - Marilyn Monroe, as quoted in The Secret Diary of Marilyn Monroe
159. "I coulda been a contender." - Terry Malloy (Marlon Brando), On the Waterfront
160. "Say 'hello' to my little friend!" - Tony Montana (Al Pacino), Scarface
Funny Quotes About Money
161. "A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it starts to rain." - Robert Frost
162. "Money can't buy happiness, but it can sure make misery easier to live with." - Unknown
163. "I'm not rich, I'm just good at spending money." - Unknown
164. "The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." - Will Rogers
165. "I'm so poor, I can't even afford to pay attention." - Unknown
166. "If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." - Earl Wilson
167. "A budget is telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went." - John C. Maxwell
168. "I'm not sure if I actually have free time or if I'm just forgetting something really important." - Unknown
169. "I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them." - Unknown
170. "When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I'm old I know that it is." - Oscar Wilde
171. "I'm not a millionaire, but I'd live like one if I could only find the right lottery numbers." - Unknown
172. "The only reason I'm not rich is that I refuse to lower my standards." - Unknown
173. "I'm not materialistic. I don't care about expensive things. I just want everything in the world and for it to be free." - Unknown
174. "I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, 'Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.'" - Demetri Martin
175. "I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks." - Steve Martin
176. "Money is not everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." - J. Paul Getty
177. "Credit cards are like snakes: Use them wisely and they are a useful tool, but mishandle them and they can bite you hard." - Unknown
178. "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." - Jackie Mason
179. "Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem." - Bill Vaughan
180. "The only thing more important than money is the lack of it." - Unknown
Funny Quotes About Emotions
181. "I'm not sure what's wrong with my brain, but I keep thinking everything is a metaphor. It's driving me bananas." - Emo Philips
182. "Happiness is a warm puppy, but you can't buy a puppy, and even if you could, it would die." - Dennis Miller
183. "I cry because I love movies. You cry because they're sad. We're not the same." - Roger Ebert
184. "The only reason I'm going to therapy is because I can't afford to buy a really big boat." - Woody Allen
185. "My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So I finished binging Netflix." - Jenny Lawson
186. "I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated to do nothing." - Garfield
187. "Adulting is basically a bunch of stuff you have to do before you die, including taxes, flossing, and responding to work emails past 5 pm." - Unknown
188. "My love life is like a game of chess. I make a move, then I immediately regret it." - Unknown
189. "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." - Mitch Hedberg
190. "I'm not sure what's more depressing, the fact that I don't have a significant other, or the fact that I used to." - Unknown
191. "Sarcasm is like the middle finger of conversation." - Unknown
192. "My brain is like Google Chrome. I have 19 tabs open, half of them are frozen, and I'm not sure what's playing audio." - Unknown
193. "I'm not saying I'm afraid of commitment, but I once ordered a pizza with just mushrooms and onions and it came with pepperoni. So yeah, trust issues." - Unknown
194. "I'm not addicted to coffee. We just have a very intense relationship." - Unknown
195. "My spirit animal is a sloth. I move slow, I sleep a lot, and I'm surprisingly good at hanging upside down." - Unknown
196. "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about at all." - Oscar Wilde (with a dash of self-deprecating humor)
197. "I'm not sure what's more embarrassing, tripping in front of my crush or remembering the time I tripped in front of my crush." - Unknown
198. "I'm not sure if I'm having a midlife crisis or just a really long nap." - Unknown
199. "My to-do list is like a five-star restaurant. I know what I should order, but I end up getting fries every time." - Unknown
200. "I'm not sure if I'm getting older or just closer to the ground." - Unknown