I sit alone in a busy Manhattan coffee shop with the weight of the world on my shoulders and something weirdly thrilling below the surface. The atmosphere buzzes the hiss of the espresso machine, rustling paper, and people muttering in an incoherent whirl around me, making a drone of life and energy. And in this tapestry of the vibrant, I am about to become, quite intentionally, the most hated person in the room.
My plan? To orchestrate a series of socially awkward and uncomfortable interactions. Picture this: myself breaking the silence with the man immersed in his latte to ask for a sip from his drink. I would then get behind the queue of unsuspecting customers and demand to cut to the very front without an ounce of justification. It's only after I do these acts of lasciviousness and discourtesy that I plunge into the depths of social awkwardness, lying on the dirty floor of a café, fully conscious, counting to myself from one to twenty as people look at me, likely wondering what's the matter with me.
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| Photo: Freepik |
This is the way I spent my vacation, and while it might seem completely random and bizarre, there is considerable method in my apparent madness. Here's why.
Know Emotional Intelligence
My mother used to impress upon me, during family dinner discussions, the importance of emotional intelligence, or "EQ." This concept jumped into public consciousness in the mid-'90s because of the best-selling book by psychologist Daniel Goleman, "Emotional Intelligence." Suddenly, everybody started believing that understanding and managing our emotions and those of others could define the roadmap to success.
My mother, an elementary school principal, embraced avidly the teachings of Goleman. She believed EQ was the holy elixir that set good students apart from the great ones. She saw the importance of wanting to instill in my sister and me, once little girls, the qualities that would make us go out into the world as adults who could handle human relationships with panache. Indeed, acting as a training ground, we vividly remember our dinner table: one patiently listened to each other, communicated ardently, and discussed and analyzed various aspects of it.
The EQ principles simply installed how I would relate to and view the world. This was, however, the time when the more conservative intelligence Quotient measures, IQ, were really considered big stuff. This presented a very intriguing contrast: could emotional intelligence serve simply to complement or even supplant traditional intellect? When I left my academic life and moved into the working environment, the need for emotional intelligence was tangibly proving to be affirmative.
The Position and the Revelation
After I had left college, I secured a job at a new technology start-up. The workplace was really good in the beginning, and I got a lot of self-worth, being one of the early employees. My social skills were well improved, with many years of emotional intelligence training being put into practice as I integrated with the rest of the team. After a while, and after the start-up actually started growing, I realized something.
I saw them rising to higher levels of authority and influence, and their ideas began to get heard all of a sudden, irrespective of previous merit. It hit me—there was something more; there was something that makes a person successful—assertiveness. The study in assertiveness was born to the contrary of EQ.
What Is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness can be described in easy words as the ability to express one's ideas, feelings, and beliefs in an open but respectful way toward those of others. It epitomizes a healthy balance between passivity and aggressiveness, yet, I have found, that the true gift of assertiveness lies in the capacity to embrace and finesse what may otherwise be an uncomfortable conversation. Those with very high AQs—very assertive—show no fear in expressing their concerns, turning down unreasonable requests, or offering constructive, direct feedback.
As the dynamics of my workplace began to shift and the environment became more competitive, my colleagues could be divided into strictly four categories based on the levels of EQ and AQ. This observation puts itself into the:
- Grumblers (Low EQ, Low AQ): They had great difficulty in connecting. The grumblers always executed gossip and passive aggression, creating a toxic work environment. They were the pessimists closest to never being rewarded with fulfillment, therefore they create a low ceiling for their actualization—professionally and personally.
- People Pleasers (High EQ, Low AQ): Liking these colleagues was easy: the kind who easily cooperated, had various skills in being able to feel someone else, and most of all, would want peace. Their avoidance of conflicts and their inability to assert one's self normally led to being overpowered or overlooked in meaningful discussions and decisions, hence limiting the professional outcome.
- Assholes (Low EQ, High AQ): This group was made up of direct people who were vocal without concern for emotional collateral damage. Their frankness at times created sincere communication, yet in their relationships with others, there were often conflicts. Very effective in the short term, they never failed to trip themselves up once their lack of awareness of others' feelings became an obstacle to continued success.
- Respected Leaders (High EQ, High AQ): These colleagues commanded respect. They had in them not just the sensitivity to attach but the firmness to confront issues candidly. They delivered criticisms quite effectively, combining respect with bluntness, which made them very precious.
As I look at my own alignment within this frame, I find myself skirting on the edge of the upper right-hand quadrant—but just barely. Where years of developing my EQ allowed me to empathize with those around me, it left me overly sensitive. In those challenging moments when I knew I ought to speak uncomfortable truths, I felt clouded by anxiety. On many an occasion, my social fears then manifested, especially when I had to give some adverse feedback or approach some heated topic. The wheel of thought used to spiral as I fumbled on my words.
Social Anxiety and The Urgency For Assertiveness
Or is it now that I started noticing some of the deeper reasons that were influencing my assertiveness? On what had become acceptable over the years, through my introverted self, I had developed moderate social anxiety. Dealing with strangers became a terrorizing experience that I had to quietly go through. Although I could speak to an audience of hundreds in a seminar, I would still sweat buckets while passing on information to just one person in a networking event.
This paradox ignited within me the urgency to find a stronger capacity for having difficult conversations. An increased capability of assertiveness with difficult conversations was a strength important in getting what I wanted for myself in both my personal and professional life. It was now time to seek clarity and enhance my AQ.
The Big Idea: Deliberate Practice of Assertiveness
But while EQ improvement is a mostly complicated practice due to the multiple nuances in human interaction, the framework of AQ improvement seemed quite simple. For instance, assertiveness is essentially having the courage to voice out unpopular opinions and to have difficult conversations. This led me to think, if this kind of thing could be possible with some sort of connection between EQ and AQ, with the possibility for me to really improve my AQ through conscious practice.
Deliberate practice, terminology attributed to the psychologist K. Anders Ericsson, was soon to emerge as the philosophy I would be spurred with. Ericsson promoted thoroughgoing research in support of the premise that high performances arose from many years of practice and not talent. Achieving individuals engage in that practice. They engage in a focused period of practice continuously and do not satisfy themselves with a more or less casual, hit-or-miss form of engagement. I therefore attempted to generate a systematic approach in my endeavors to enhance my AQ. Designing My Assertiveness Bootcamp
Creating My Assertiveness Bootcamp
After reflecting on various approaches, I finally decided to develop a "boot camp" experience solely around becoming more assertive. The idea for such a novel structure came with my intention to explore beyond conventional social circles and experience discomfort in a very hands-on way with guidance.
Design of the Exercises: I worked on two categories of exercises – awkward negotiations and unconventional conversations.
- Cringeworthy Negotiations: I made myself go to flea markets, prepared to pound the table over insane prices, sometimes as low as 25% of an item's value. This wasn't crazy negotiation; it was practicing making the kind of request that, otherwise, is so far from normal it's not even in the same county. I'd have my set script in my head to make the request calmly, looking them in the eyes and sitting in the uncomfortable silence, where "No" could be said over and over, but I wouldn't relent.
- Odd Interactions: I had determined in my head that I was going to walk the streets looking for strangers to have odd but not hurtful, in any way, interactions with. This all ranged from walking up to random passerby and asking them if they had a stick of gum to after some time asking for a sip of their drink. Trying to shake up my baseline comfort, I was trying to grow resilient in social interactions.
By designing 50 such exercises, I hoped to capture years' worth of social encounters, gearing me up for the challenges that were thrown in my direction.
The Grand Gesture: To really trigger my commitment I made a grand gesture. I borrowed the idea from motivational bloggers such as Cal Newport who would, by and large, recommend pairing hard tasks with big life changes to increase one's level of commitment. And so I booked this Airbnb for a week deep in East Harlem, New York City, knowing that staying in such a totally different environment would give me the courage to do whatever is necessary to pursue my mission.
Building Structure: I made use of the structure to support the previously planned interventions. One had specific targets instead of vague goals. For instance, one can start a conversation with so many strangers a day. Defining the particular questions and tracking my responses through Excel sheets would then help me reduce discretion and increase my sense of purpose.
Overcoming Fear: Like with the baseline, the best inspirational source that I still considered referring to on matters of overcoming fear is Tim Ferriss. Every morning, I planned to begin the day by lying on the floor in the coffee shop, completely exposing myself to everyone around, and counting to twenty. This would help reduce fear in such a manner that would strengthen my courage and ability to face upcoming fears.
Secrecy for Success: To this end, the most important component of my strategy was maintaining secrecy regarding my endeavor from friends, family, and coworkers. High hopes of success often become diluted when publicly stated; I had these intentions of sharing my experience only when I return, ensuring monsters of self-doubt and avoidance wouldn't derail my intentions.
The Bootcamp Begins
I began to lay my focus on the grand plans I had prepared. As the calendar changed into October, every day had to be a gauntlet of social acclimatization. Geared up to face fears that stemmed from the intended fear itself, this experience is really fueled by trepidation and excitement alike.
Day One: Diving into Discomfort
I checked into my Airbnb with a mix of anxiety and excitement. My paramount exercise on the very first day was to lie down in the coffee shop—an awkward but refueling activity to break the ice. It was an initial act that drew slightly puzzled looks, but nonetheless set a strange kind of tone for a week of willing vulnerability.
I held my coffee to brace myself against the cold and took a moment to become present with my feelings. The discomfort buzzed within me as I checked items off an internal to-do list for the day: talking to vendors with ridiculous proposals and interviews with random strange people.
Facing Flea Market Haggling: I went to the local flea market, standing in front of stalls of handmade crafts. My heart was pounding, my pitch provided voice hammering out of the offers that undercut its value. Many times, my offers brought on mocking stares, as full of disbelief as those in which I found myself wishing for comfort, in the ensuing silence.
Awkward Talk: By now, talking to strangers felt more and more awkward. It felt like my instincts were just pleading with me to back off, but I bull-rushed them, asking stupid and boring questions that at least skirted the ends of what it meant to engage with another human being. "Excuse me, do you have a stick of gum?" I asked the thirty-something woman, who seemed completely thrown off guard, not just by the question but by me.
Over the first few days, while I gathered momentum slowly over time, I began to track the frequency of smiles shared in exchange for my asks—a cue that just maybe, humanity is best inspired by surprise engagements.
Day Four: A Laboratory
The other tiredness, however, from all that unceasing awkwardness, only truly hit me on the fourth day. I got a dark wave of frustration as the realization of conversation pitfalls—moments in which I stumbled and blushed and mumbled incoherently—found replay in my head. Lately, however, those stumbled moments have become learning tools.
Coffee Shop Confrontation: I did that on my fourth day and just decided to go bold: to line up and ask the people who are lining up to get their coffee if I can fall in line. Some laughed, some others rolled their eyes in disdain, but overwhelmingly many spared a conversation respectfully. Each resolution taught me the nuances of response, building empathy, and navigating through human dynamics.
The Physical and Emotional Toll
Though my venture paid off from the understanding of self, the toll on my psyche began to mount. Every exercise that was performed under that cloud of anxiety made me acutely sensitive to how deeply discomfort reverberated in the spirit. Every exercise felt rewarding but tiringly so, putting over a couple of days a complicated emotional tapestry.
- I made the connection between physical performance to the psychological strain of relational challenges. As much as a runner feels the burn of affliction through high-intensity workouts, I paid attention to the pleasure-pain dichotomy existing within interpersonal circuits.
Day Five: Conquering Obstacles
On the fifth day, I began to feel the heat. The negotiation bordered on spilling over into social conversations by that time. After one too many embarrassing encounters with a vendor, my anxieties took the form of self-doubt. "Did I push too far?" My emotional rollercoaster was wearing me down into ruthless bouts of self-critique.
With all the mental toughness I had developed, I regressed to feelings of inferiority and wondered if I could really raise my AQ higher than my EQ. But I pressed on, with encouraging reminders that told me that discomfort leads to growth.
Dealing with Rejection
Navigating this boot camp, I would sometimes feel as though I was walking on the edge, off of which I would tumble deeper and deeper into self-doubt. My dawn broke with trepidation at the list that awaited my daily gymnastics routine of discomforting conversations. These daily interactions became performances that balanced between self-assertion and the verge of blunder.
I can notice now that, during such moments, mother's lessons on EI saved lives. I began to write after my experiences or between different or similar conversations, how the conversations made me feel, what happened, and what transpired thereafter with me, and my reflections. I could ground myself not in the data, but in the haze of anxiety, by writing those feelings on paper.
Reinforcement Through Reflection
Post-workout time became really a ritual of reflection where I was able to pick through the debris of emotion and really face that discomfort. Being sure to throw in successes and failures without judgment.
- I noticed, within myself, just how much the whole framework of the world was beginning to change around confrontation. Something that had previously felt like potential 'social death' was now a challenge that I could hopefully surmount.
What Happened: A Week of Transformation
As the week continued, I felt the cumulative effects of each engagement reshaping my approach to awkward situations at the core. It began to become a kind of weariness that developed itself into empowerment.
It became much easier to argue and provide constructive criticism in the second part of the week. The feedback sessions were less devastating, and it was easier to cope with controversial topics since there was less anxiety.
By the end of the week, I had executed a plan to descend upon my final exercise: Confronting Uncertainty, reaffirming the lessons that I'd taken from our time together in this boot camp. I scheduled a meeting with my supervisor to discuss ongoing projects, integrating these new skills—emphasizing necessary adjustments to maximize efficiency.
Now, armed with a new sense of emotional and social agility, I was equipped at that crucial time to voice concerns that I had shied away from for weeks. At this critical time, my supervisor was receptive to this constructive feedback: it aided the development of improved strategies and bolstered our relationship.
The Action Continues with Assertiveness Outside the Bootcamp
I then took that insight back into my life the next week and translated the newfound confidence into all areas of my life. Conversations flowed better; feedback sessions turned into dialogue; opportunities opened up.
I realized, of course, that mastering a skill is a lifetime of practice, revision, and performance.
Structuring Long-Term Success
- Continued Practice: I began to incorporate scheduled times of assertive dialogue each week – hard conversation would suddenly seem like a valuable checkpoint to be involved in. Creating a regular practice was essential to building the level of assertiveness I was fostering.
- Fostering Positive Relations: Knowing assertiveness to be inherently relational, I began to develop environments where empathy and, at the same time, honesty were the culture. Relations changed from the linear notion into collaborative spaces where open discussions thrived.
- Feedback Loops: A continued process of reflection and critique infilled my routines yet grew into constructive feedback as a bond in team interactions, nurturing my growth. Sharing observations, giving encouragement, and accepting honest observations formed the ground for the journey of a peer in asserting prospective assertiveness.
Conclusion: How EQ Meets AQ
This week of very intensive assertiveness training reiterated that hard work, combined with sensitivity to emotions, is the source of a relationship that one can develop. The confluence of EQ and AQ propels the potential for flourishing interpersonal relationships and deep connections with others.
I learned that the mastery of AQ doesn't take away from EQ; rather, it combines to enhance emotional engagement through synergies, hence fostering real connections even in uncomfortable situations.
It really starts to crystallize as I take a deep breath and reflect back on this past week, though: it's just the tip of the iceberg. Although the work to be more assertive continues, the journey altered more than just my social interaction or how I engage others around me. Every person met in that coffee shop, every vendor at the flea market, and every stranger approached enriched my personal growth.
In the grand tapestry of human connection, this quest for assertiveness opens the way for one to evolve relationships into new realms of understanding. For, after the need to have those hard conversations, the very human truth of the effort—about connection, to strive, to expose—is the heart of authenticity.
Over the next several weeks and months following my trip to New York, I continued to practice assertiveness during reflection with structured reflection methods and through deliberate practices, always stepping into each new interaction with confidence out of the gate, balanced with empathy and courage. The discomfort that once squashed my spirit now fuels my journey to embrace bold conversations and profound relationships. These lessons will act as a guiding compass as I move forward, navigating the complexities of the human connection that lies in my future. The road ahead is excitingly unchartered.
In it, the realization was not only about my journey of making bold requests but also about the latent potential in us, an effort that is worth an awkward moment and every heartbeat skipped. Like hitting that new note in an instrument, the more you practice with patience, the infinite is the potential growth; we indeed become the harmonious symphony of our assertive orchestra.
Above all, this is the story of how you learned to elevate your assertiveness, all in the light emitted by emotional intelligence and with a strong discomfort for the ambiguities of human interaction. It goes without saying, of course; if you need any issues expiated more clearly or more discussion on any part, please feel free to let me know!